Beyondpondering's Weblog

Northwest Arkansas Therapy

A mother’s heart: posted on Facebook December 29, 2014

(She speaks from her hear and says things I have said myself – She writes about hurt children, sincere parents, tragic events and medications.)

By Annie Martin:
“Someone shared this and the comments it received made my heart ache.”

(Article: You’ll Never Guess What Every Mass Shooting Has In Common, And It Isn’t Weapons…
Read more at http://universalfreepress.com/nearly-every-mass-shooting-has-this-one-thing-in-common-and-it-isnt-weapons/)

“Everyone immediately sees a link with medication and these unfortunate events – but what I see is parents trying to seek help for their children, and children who are out of control and may not even know why.

God creates everyone beautifully, but events happen that change children, many times events that are beyond anything most people would comprehend and events that aren’t the fault of the child. Sometimes it’s their perception of the world around them or how they are treated by others. Sometimes it’s actual abuse, neglect, or even loss. We can give our children loving guidance but there comes a point of exhaustion when parents desperate for answers and help reach out.

Until you’ve been the mom of a child that cries out in genuine pain because he isn’t “like everyone else” and you hear his pleas to God in his prayers to “just make him normal” you don’t realize how deeply children hurt and that they see their differences as “bad”. Parents can hug, love, pray, read scripture, and mold their children. That doesn’t replace their need for outside help.

No one would ever think of asking someone with high blood pressure not to take their medication. Ever.

I’ll be the first to admit sometimes medications are over-prescribed, but that’s at EVERY level and every kind of medication.
There isn’t one common denominator of medication in any of these cases that I can see from this list (several of the medications are for depression, several are stimulants, and still others are anti-psychotic, and so on) — the common denominator is parents that were seeking out help for their children. The biggest issue here is the lack of quality mental health services with doctors that stay in place and monitor these children appropriately. Watching doctors and counselors come and go at Behavorial health facilities is so hard when with every change you have to start at the beginning, AGAIN!

This is not about parents that didn’t care, but likely parents that were struggling too. No one wants to be the parent of a child and say “I have no idea what to do…I don’t know how to help him anymore”
Yes, maybe this list shows that these children were all on medications…but it also shows parents asking for help, kids who were hurting too, and families that needed love and support, not criticism for seeking out help! The mental health system is broken, like so many other systems out there. We need to fix it so that children and families can truly get the help they need to prevent these tragedies.”

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MORE OF THE SAME? TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT! March 28, 2009

I go back to the same old questions:  Is it working for you?  Is doing what those so called experts say, really working?  When is it time to try something different?

You will just try to defend yourself out of fear someone will think you are a bad mom.  Or maybe you will just to defend yourself out of fear that it might be true.  You really do enjoy getting away from them.

The peace you feel when he is away seems to validate the assumption that it is “He” who is the problem.  There is something much much deeper going on.

The idea that RAD child should be treated differently is a start.  They have a developmental wound which cannot be helped to heal with more chores or strong sitting.

They have a developmental wound which cannot be helped to heal by being sent away.

A couple years ago,  I was working with a mother and  young daugther.  There was never any problems at school.  The problems occured at home.   I give this mom a round of applause for taking responsibility for her behavior years ago.  She left the children.  Yes she had her reasons…… but from a child’s point of view it was abandonment.  “I was not good enough for you to stick around.”  “I was not lovable enough for you to want to stay with me”.

We had a breakthrough mom said.    I was amazed at something else.

We were all sitting on the floor.  There was soft comforting lighting rather than glaring florescent tubes.  I was verbalizing what a young child might feel if a parent went away.  Little by little the child leaned her head on her mother’s shoulder.  Little by little the child wrapped her arms around mother’s neck.  Little by little, the child crawled into mother’s lap.  Little by little, mother cradled the girl in her arms and started rocking her body back and forth.  The girl nestled her head into mom’s bosom and allowed herself to be rocked.

I kept quiet and allowed the two to rest in each other’s arms for a good long time.

I whispered to mom,  “How old was she when you left?”  Mom whispered, “One and a half.”

The behavior of the child was reminiscent of the age of her trauma.

I helped mom see the developmental issues going on.

A rocking chair and more rocking at home……………. was the recommendation.

This addressed the heart of the matter, not just the acting out behavior.  Work on the heart of the matter and the acting out will subside.

These kids need even more rocking, more comforting, more compassion, more empathy….  Or at least just as much.   Because they are RAD does that mean they should be treated differently when it comes to Tender Loving Care?   They need it even more because they have a develpment lag in that department.

If what you are doing is working for you….by all means…..continue with what you think is right.  However,  begin reflecting on how you can address the heart of the matter rather than just manage the behavior.

 

TALK TALK TALK. NAG NAG NAG. AGAIN AND AGAIN January 25, 2009

Does it often feel like you are continually talking to yourself whenever you are trying to teach your child?  Whatever you are saying is simply going in one ear and out the other?  If you’ve said it once you have said it a million times. ?   AND STILL THEY DON’T  ” GET IT”. 

Well there is a reason for it……. and if you understand this reason ,, you could actually get more done with less talking.   You don’t have to drive yourself in circles, repeating the old thing, trying to change the same old behavior. 

Based on neuro-science, the right side of the brain has the ability to override and short circuit the left side of the brain.  The right side of the brain is the emotional side.  The left side of the brain is the logical rational side,,,,to put is simply. 

If the left side of the brain can be short circuited by the right side, no wonder all our explanations, talking, corrections, or discussions do not seem to work.

Our logical rational explanations, meant to impact our child’s left side of the brain, are not reaching their intended target. 

IT REALLY IS GOING IN ONE EAR AND OUT THE OTHER !

The right side of the brain overrides the left.  Emotions override logic and learning.

Right brain has greater influence than left brain.   RIGHT, greater than LEFT, therefore decreased logic & learning.

Children do not have the ability to learn and use logic if their emotional state is not addressed first.  Likewise, we do not have the ability to reach their logic and learning until we address their emotions and feelings.

Why don’t we listen to our own  words of wisdom.   Be logical.  Be reasonable.  It makes no sense at all to use logic on our kids if science has shown that logic does not work if emotional aspects are neglected. 

So how logical are we?  Maybe our kids are smarter than we are.  We keep trying logic when it has been proven not to work.  Now that is irrational. 

To keep doing the same old thing expecting different results.   Isn’t that the definition of CRAZY?

 We are in the habit of talking talking talking….explaining explaining, explaining. 

We lecture, make demands, and expect our kids to comply.  We expect from our kids what they are not able to give us until we see through to their emotions.

What do we do then?  Put into words what our adult wisdom knows

For example, your friend comes over,  slams the door, and heavily plants themselves on your couch. 

What can you presume from what just happened with your friend.  Your friend is upset, something bad happened, something is wrong……?  Probably.   

We would sit and wait.  Perhaps offer a cola or cup of tea.  And we would listen.  

If our kids did the very same thing…. we have a tendency to tell them “don’t slam the door!”  Where is the compassion we would naturally give to our friends?

Now is the time we could start changing habits, turn over a new leaf, and try something different. 

Now that is logical…….try something different for different results. 

Listen instead of lecture.  Sit instead of stand.  Be quiet instead of boss.  Consider emotions instead of demands.  Give compassion instead of giving directions.    Then little by little,,,when emotions are soothed and calmed, suggestions and ideas can get through.  Little by little, understanding will come to the left side of the brain.  But only when the right side of the brain understood.   

Give compassion to emotions.  Save yourself time, energy, and stress.