I have been saying this for years ! November 7, 2013
STILL PONDERING August 10, 2013
I am still pondering all this time.
I have had many different experiences.
I still ponder.
What do people really want out of therapy?
You tell me.
MORE OF THE SAME? TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT! March 28, 2009
Tags: ADHD parenting RAD Reactive attachment reactive attachment disorder family parenting, adoption, Family, Parenting, RAD, Reactive Attachment, Reactive Attachment Disorder
I go back to the same old questions: Is it working for you? Is doing what those so called experts say, really working? When is it time to try something different?
You will just try to defend yourself out of fear someone will think you are a bad mom. Or maybe you will just to defend yourself out of fear that it might be true. You really do enjoy getting away from them.
The peace you feel when he is away seems to validate the assumption that it is “He” who is the problem. There is something much much deeper going on.
The idea that RAD child should be treated differently is a start. They have a developmental wound which cannot be helped to heal with more chores or strong sitting.
They have a developmental wound which cannot be helped to heal by being sent away.
A couple years ago, I was working with a mother and young daugther. There was never any problems at school. The problems occured at home. I give this mom a round of applause for taking responsibility for her behavior years ago. She left the children. Yes she had her reasons…… but from a child’s point of view it was abandonment. “I was not good enough for you to stick around.” “I was not lovable enough for you to want to stay with me”.
We had a breakthrough mom said. I was amazed at something else.
We were all sitting on the floor. There was soft comforting lighting rather than glaring florescent tubes. I was verbalizing what a young child might feel if a parent went away. Little by little the child leaned her head on her mother’s shoulder. Little by little the child wrapped her arms around mother’s neck. Little by little, the child crawled into mother’s lap. Little by little, mother cradled the girl in her arms and started rocking her body back and forth. The girl nestled her head into mom’s bosom and allowed herself to be rocked.
I kept quiet and allowed the two to rest in each other’s arms for a good long time.
I whispered to mom, “How old was she when you left?” Mom whispered, “One and a half.”
The behavior of the child was reminiscent of the age of her trauma.
I helped mom see the developmental issues going on.
A rocking chair and more rocking at home……………. was the recommendation.
This addressed the heart of the matter, not just the acting out behavior. Work on the heart of the matter and the acting out will subside.
These kids need even more rocking, more comforting, more compassion, more empathy…. Or at least just as much. Because they are RAD does that mean they should be treated differently when it comes to Tender Loving Care? They need it even more because they have a develpment lag in that department.
If what you are doing is working for you….by all means…..continue with what you think is right. However, begin reflecting on how you can address the heart of the matter rather than just manage the behavior.
ADHD and Holidays December 21, 2008
Tags: ADHD parenting RAD Reactive attachment reactive attachment disorder family parenting
Aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews, visitors and guests………..
Sights, sounds, lights, and laughter……
Music and song, fireplaces and snowfall, presents and parties…….
So many activities and high hopes….that this years everything will go without a flaw….
But wait…there’s more….. School is out, fun is in.
Holidays are filled with activites and expectations. Gifts picked out with special care hoping to convey the right sentiments.
Family comes in or you go there. Perhaps you have not seen a particular set of relatives for years. You want everyone
on your side of the family put their best foot forward, have on their best behavior, and be especially courtesy and kindness.
Different house rules, or perhaps none. Squeals of joy and running here and there. Too much sugar and a too much Egg Nog & Rum. Someone can’t stand someone else’s brat kids. A child brakes another child’s toy. Someone’s child won’t
share. Crying and commotion. The pie burns while you are trying to put out the fires among the children.
Spitting and spankings. Ho Ho Ho…..MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Parents in all their good intentions sometimes shoot themselves in the foot. Many weeks or months their child has been on ADHD medication. They understand the need to have the child sit in class and learn. They understand how distracting school can be. Medication is a necessary evil in their minds. They are willing to put up with it to help their child have a better experience with school. Now since school is out for the holidays,,,,certainly this is the perfect time to let “Little Billy” have a Medication Holiday.
Think about it for just a moment. Does ADHD take a Holiday? Does ADHD take a vacation? No, it doesn’t.
The very time when family harmony is stressed out the most,,,,,
The very time when feelings can be the most sensitive……………
The very time when families needs more peace and calm……is the same time parents want Little Billy to be off his meds. Is it helping or hurting family relationships? Is it helping or contributing to family stress?
You know….The ADHD child already has difficulty feeling good about him or herself, why contribute to their negative feelings by purposefully pulling them off their meds at the very time it is needed the most? Allow positive family relationships to develop. Allow Little Billy to gain warm feelings about himself in relationship to their close relationships. Do you want to help or hinder family harmony during the holidays? ADHD does not take a holiday. The risk of a child having negative behaviors in the long term is related to how they feel about themselves today. An ADHD child can be frustrating. Yet try to imagine how frustrated he is with himself. Try to imagine how that child feels as he is constantly criticized, punished, or consequenced for what he has little control over. Does the risk of medication really out weigh the seriousness of long term side effects of poor self esteem or negative self image?
ADHD does not take Holidays.