I go back to the same old questions: Is it working for you? Is doing what those so called experts say, really working? When is it time to try something different?
You will just try to defend yourself out of fear someone will think you are a bad mom. Or maybe you will just to defend yourself out of fear that it might be true. You really do enjoy getting away from them.
The peace you feel when he is away seems to validate the assumption that it is “He” who is the problem. There is something much much deeper going on.
The idea that RAD child should be treated differently is a start. They have a developmental wound which cannot be helped to heal with more chores or strong sitting.
They have a developmental wound which cannot be helped to heal by being sent away.
A couple years ago, I was working with a mother and young daugther. There was never any problems at school. The problems occured at home. I give this mom a round of applause for taking responsibility for her behavior years ago. She left the children. Yes she had her reasons…… but from a child’s point of view it was abandonment. “I was not good enough for you to stick around.” “I was not lovable enough for you to want to stay with me”.
We had a breakthrough mom said. I was amazed at something else.
We were all sitting on the floor. There was soft comforting lighting rather than glaring florescent tubes. I was verbalizing what a young child might feel if a parent went away. Little by little the child leaned her head on her mother’s shoulder. Little by little the child wrapped her arms around mother’s neck. Little by little, the child crawled into mother’s lap. Little by little, mother cradled the girl in her arms and started rocking her body back and forth. The girl nestled her head into mom’s bosom and allowed herself to be rocked.
I kept quiet and allowed the two to rest in each other’s arms for a good long time.
I whispered to mom, “How old was she when you left?” Mom whispered, “One and a half.”
The behavior of the child was reminiscent of the age of her trauma.
I helped mom see the developmental issues going on.
A rocking chair and more rocking at home……………. was the recommendation.
This addressed the heart of the matter, not just the acting out behavior. Work on the heart of the matter and the acting out will subside.
These kids need even more rocking, more comforting, more compassion, more empathy…. Or at least just as much. Because they are RAD does that mean they should be treated differently when it comes to Tender Loving Care? They need it even more because they have a develpment lag in that department.
If what you are doing is working for you….by all means…..continue with what you think is right. However, begin reflecting on how you can address the heart of the matter rather than just manage the behavior.